Monday, April 7, 2008

Just one more go-round

I'm thinking about my last post. I don't regret it and I'm not sorry for writing it even if it is a little naive. But it leads me right back to where I started. I have the occasional bout of despair and start feeling dark, then the next day the sun is shining and I'm working with goats and making cheese and baking bread and gardening and everything seems right in my little world. I have a really awful habit of being an all-or-nothing type person. One day I'm ranting about the injustices of society at large, and how fucked the world is, and then it hits me that there's absolutely nothing I can do about the world, and I can only change myself and impact those around me.

I need, more than anything, to stay grounded. I really want to be done with school for awhile. I know that's not going to happen for several more years, and this is simultaneously a relief and distressing. A relief because it buys me time (how the hell am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life?!), and distressing because there is something within me that needs to come up for air. The university is a stifling place. You talk in metaphor and come up with theses and sometimes forget that you are a human living in a world of concrete realities and real people. As a French major I get hopped up on existentialism and dogmatism and then suddenly have to return to earth. It's a little disorienting. And then, I also happen to be taking a course in medieval humanities (it's a requirement--believe me, not my choice), which is essentially religion wrapped in a facade of literature or war or art or colonialism.

I guess my point is, I lose touch with reality sometimes. I'm hoping that this summer will be the antidote: work, gardening, sleeping really well, and reading as many graphic novels as I can get my hands on. For now, I'm holding out until April 29 (last day of classes) and trying to keep my tomatoes alive.

P.S. Thanks to Green With a Gun for pointing out the flaws in my last post. His comment is worth reading.


green with a gun said...

I don't think the post was "flawed", you were just angry and frustrated and expressing it.

I'm just the kind of person who tries to keep people's minds here on Earth. If you were floating away somewhere happy I would mind my own business, but when you're floating off to despair I'll tug on the balloon string ;)

meg said...

merci beaucoup